Desi Ghee and Coffee!

Moving.

2010-10-14T20:00:00.003+05:30

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Desi Ghee and Coffee

Hi Folks

2010-10-11T20:41:00.000+05:30

Hi Folks, I'm currently considering removing Disqus from my blog and/or moving to Word Press. I'm not sure which of this I would do for sure, but I'd be doing either one because I've got too many people complaining that they cannot comment on Disqus now.

Please bear with me while I finalize what needs to be done. In case (I certainly hope not) I lose any/all of your earlier comments, please feel free to comment again on the previous posts or let it be, we've already had our conversations on those topics.

Wish me luck while I get through with this.Work has been keeping me excessively busy for the past couple months, and I sure miss blogging.

Hope to be with you guys on full steam real soon!

Thanks for being patient.

Love, Tbg.

Interviews, Continued.

2010-09-29T22:00:00.001+05:30

In my previous post when I had talked about interviews, I did not mean that you guys should go and start to argue with the prospective employer and demand to see his past three years of tax returns before you tell him where you did your MBA from.

A large company/corporate which is also a major brand name like Tata, Infosys, NIIT, Aptech to name a few, you don't need to ask for their balance sheets too.

But maybe small time unheard of companies like maybe vendor companies to other bigger companies or small firms that deal in logistics or facilities, you should demand to see their past record to ascertain their financial solvency.

Maybe the word 'demand' is too strong. But it wouldn't hurt to politely request that you be allowed to see some documuents that would prove to you that the company has been paying the salaries to it's employees on time.

There's this guy I know who's a whiz at repairing computers and networks got a job in another country in something to do with computers of course, and off he went for an year. At the end of an year they sent him back with almost US $ 1400 less in the annual pay stating that they would make the rest of the payment good soon.

The soon is yet to arrive.

It's not asking for too much if you were to politely ask the company who was in the chair you're supposed to be joining and why did he resign. It's a genuine question. Think about it.

The key to asking all these questions is only when you can be polite yet firm at the same time.

And if you can be polite yet firm at the same time, chances are you would mostly do well in life.

In my previous post I might have used some pretty strong words, and they are not to be interpreted that you would actually start to interview your prospective employer! It's all about the right tone of voice in which the questions are asked.

Be very careful when dealing with companies that call you to hotels and coffee shops for interviews, and no I don't mean that girls should not go to hotels for interviews to avoid getting raped.

What I mean is that you should verify the authenticity of the company when you are especially invited to five star hotels or such places for interviews.

Make sure you ask for permission to visit the actual office premises before you give them a yes or a no.

At the very beginning when the interview appointment is being set up and you realize it's not being held in the actual work place/office premises, then please ask why this is so.

There's no harm in an interview taking place in a hotel or coffee shop provided the company is very far away from the main city. For example, the company being in Manesar or Gurgaon or Greater Noida as compared to New Delhi. If the company cites reasons that the actual work premise is in a suburb and there is no public transport, then it's alright.

But if the company is in the main business district and still avoids calling you to the office for your interview, then be cautious.

This of course does not apply if let's say a company like Jet Airways or Kingfisher or Nokia is calling you for an interview. But if it's a small vendor company that supplies outer phone bodies to Nokia then be cautious.

Some companies which are in the process of setting up shop in your city/country might give you a reason that the office is still under construction/renovation. In such cases, request to be shown the site of the office before you come to a decision.

For companies like some architects/advocates/consulting firms that have their office in a residential area, please ask if the said property is owned or leased. If leased, then soon after the interview, inquire discreetly around if the company has been paying their rent on time and if the relationship between your boss and the land lord is not under strain for certain reasons.

Also inquire for how long the company has been leasing the said property and how long before the lease expires.

It's always a great idea for the guys to chit chat with the drivers/peons/photocopier guy in the vicinity to figure out the nature of your prospective boss. Such things do help you in the long run.

There isn't any set rule of the thumb what kinds of companies you should be cautious and what companies you can be carefree.

Generally speaking, large corporate houses and major brand names are safe enough. but tread with caution.

Read your appointment letter very carefully before you sign. Question any point that does not seem alright to you. If possible, show your appointment letter to a parent or some other person who's more experienced than you are and knows a bit of legal jargon as well.

There should not be a rush or pressure or stress on you to sign the appointment letter. Take your time to analyze it. Most companies generally give you three days to sign it.

Take your time and read it with patience.

On some occasions you might be told that the appointment letter is not ready yet or the signing authority is not present yet. In such cases insist on the appointment letter or ask them if your joining can be postponed till the signing authority is available.

Don't get misled by excuses wherein the appointment letter is delayed for unknown/uncertain reasons. Such situations generally mean something is amiss.

Do not say yes the moment you are told you've been selected and you should join pronto. Ask for a day's time to think and review the company's offer.

Remember, all recruiters are very anxious to hire people who would stay with the company for the long run. Keep that in mind and exercise due diligence before you come to a decision.

This is not an exhaustive list. There is no rule of the thumb as to what is good and what is not. Each company is unique and each boss is unique too.

Think and re think before you come to any decision.

Interview your interviewer

2010-09-26T20:43:00.000+05:30

Stop being nervous in job interviews.

The interviewer sitting in front of you across the table is equally anxious as you are. All people in charge of hiring are already burdened with the task of finding good staff who will stay for the long run. Stability is what most recruiters look for.

Take care you know what you're getting into. A friend of mine was working in a vendor company of the Indian Railways. Nice workplace, close to her residence as well. 10 to 5 job. The only low point was the pay packet was sort of less. This is a single young girl I am talking about with no responsibilities at all. She applied elsewhere and got through at a 50% or 60% hike.

The pay packet was all she cared about at that time. This girl resigned from her previous job and moved on.

A month later she realized that she was working in a crappy workplace and she resigned from the new workplace and is now jobless. She has been job hunting now for almost four months.

A must do thing for you kids is to make sure you know what company you're getting into. Think of the future before you sign on the dotted line.

A great workplace with a good comfortable environment with nice working hours and a small daily commute should be alright even if the pay packet is slightly less.

If you're getting into a company with less than a 100 employees all over India, don't hesitate to ask for the balance sheet of the company. Ask for permission to visit the office premises to get a feel of the workplace. Don't hesitate. You don't want to quit an old good job just because the salary is a little less.

With the onslaught of call centers in India, there's no concept of a 10 to 5 job anymore. If you have one, then don't envy people in a call center with a night shift and a fat pay packet. Chances are, in five years they would be beat and you would still be going strong.

A first salary doesn't essentially have to buy you a Honda City. There's an option of a bike or a Maruti Alto too and they aren't that bad.

Don't hesitate to inquire about the company you're getting into. You deserve to know as much as you can about the company you're getting into. Learn about what they do, how they do it. Ask how many employees they have. Ask about the work timings. Ask if it's a five day or a six day week. Ask if they have a 40 hour week or more than that. Ask them about the benefits. Ask about mobile phone reimbursements. Ask them about other perks.

Ask as many questions as the recruiter asked you when you were giving the interview.

Wait for the interviewer to ask you if you have any apprehensions or questions. Chances are, if the interviewer does not ask you all this, then you should think twice before you join.

Don't jump at 100% hikes without verifying the company you're getting into. Hikes don't really last for long. Don't be shy. If your previous company gave you a laptop or a mobile or a car or paid for your newspapers, then be clear about each detail at the interview. Don't dilly dally thinking that everybody knows that.

Clearly outline your perks from the previous company. Some companies include perks in the CTC, some don't. Ask for clarifications.

A company that does not offer you provident fund is a strict no no from day one. Ask them why there's no provision of provident fund.

If your previous company paid you in US dollars, then chance are you're not liable to pay income tax in India. Now if you change jobs and move to a company that pays you in INR, then you'd need to pay tax.

Ask the company before hand to give you a break up of your salary in written, stamped and signed by the HR or the senior management. Ask them questions if you do not understand any part of the salary break up.

Interviews are not scary. Don't waste time in being nervous. Rather, take ample time to think and be sure you've verified the companies past.

If the interviewer has the right to ask you why you left your previous job or why you would be leaving it, then you have the right to ask the company who was in the chair that you'd be filling in and why did he leave.

It's your right to ask the company for contact details of the previous employee and get in touch with him to verify why he left.

Don't be shy.

Don't be hesitant.

Ask questions.

Be gentle, yet firm.

Satisfy your curiosity, but be polite while you do so.

Good Luck!

This girl rocks!

2010-09-22T09:40:00.000+05:30

Delhi girl goes to Mehrauli area in the city to give an interview. Soon after the interview, she leaves the office and goes out on the road to find an Auto (three wheeled Taxi) to go back home.

She asked the autodriver to drop her near to Metro station to get another auto as he was not going to South Delhi. The distance to the station was hardly a 3 minutes walk.

The girl sat in the auto and paid Rs. 10 to which auto driver overreacted and rudely said "Oh madam the minimum fare is Rs. 20." The driver was extremely rude but the girl ignored it and opened her wallet to give him more money but found she had only Rs. 5 change as she had a Rs 500 note. She told the driver politely that this is the only change she has to which driver again spoke in the highest of his pitch and in a rude manner, "Why did you hire an Auto if you didn't have any money?"

The girl again ignored to avoid any altercation and tried to explain that doesn't have any change and it's his wish if he can keep it or not. The girl then started looking for another auto as she had to reach home to go to office.

The auto driver again in his highest pitch in full public view calls 'Oh madam, can't you hear me, give me my money!" When the girl again ignored him, he shouted "behan ki l****" and the public stood there silent without paying any heed to what he said, as most folks in New Delhi city do most of the time, because they all happen to be spineless.

Feeling humiliated and loosing all her patience the girl caught hold of his collars and gave a punch on his face, punched again with her wallet, gave it all left, right and centre. The public was seeing all the drama happening, the traffic was jammed. The girl was mad with anger and humiliation. Her self-esteemed was challenged. Seeing all this a girl came and caught hold of the girl and said "stop it...relax , you are creating a scene".

Hearing this she said, "I don't care." There were people who didn't even ask a question as what had happened that the girl had taken such an extreme step, rather they were standing still seeing the drama. The auto driver seeing so much of public, got into his auto and fled away from the scene. The girl shocked, hurt went to find another auto and broke down while sitting in another auto and told the story to this auto driver to which he responded that complaint should have been launched to police.

This is New Delhi. the capital city of India. Why people gather and become silent spectators just to see a free show without helping anyone?

This girl has the guts and strength to stand against the whole world if the whole world turns bad. But not many people have that strength as all are not equal. Is it too difficult to help somebody?

Has marriage killed the girl in you

2010-09-20T10:48:00.001+05:30

Something that had been on my mind for quite some time now, but I just had not gotten around to the precise question as yet.

Reproduced from Renu's blog as it is. I want each one of you to answer this on your blogs, or in the comments section, or email me if you would like to keep it discreet.

Amrita Tagged me by asking :-
A question to all my blog buddies. You can answer anonymously, in case you're uncomfortable. But do answer.

Has marriage killed the girl in you?

Are you more programed, more regulated in your thoughts and deeds?

Or are you simply calmer? Assuaged?

Are you still in love?

Or are you simply loving? Caring, fond and loyal..?

What does marriage do to you?

Link

Who was she?

2010-09-16T13:23:00.000+05:30

This is a strange true incident that happened last night. I wasn't really sure what to do, but it sure troubled me a lot during the night, or what was left of it. I was in a work dinner meeting with some people in a restaurant, one that people from my office frequent regularly for office meetings. It's a very quiet place and very well lighted too.

Sometime during the dinner, this young girl maybe in her early twenties walks in, alone. She's dressed in jeans and a red kurta, with deep red Osho slippers. She's visibly very upset, almost in tears. She sits down at a quiet table, away from the others, and orders. The waiter takes her order and leaves. She's very fidgety and repeatedly counts the money in her purse. While she's waiting for her order to arrive, she's almost in tears and appears to be trying really hard to control her sorrow. I think she cries for a moment too. The waiter brings her order, and she stares at the food for a long time and seems to be having a hard time breathing. In about fifteen minutes, she walks to the cashier and pays up and leaves. I glanced over at her table and she hasn't really touched her food. Maybe I am seeing things, but she seemed to be a little better when she walks out, as if she's made some resolve.

All things said and done, this girl was very upset and tense about something. A part of me wanted to go up to her and ask her if she's alright. A part of me wanted me to sit on my own sweet butt and not stick my nose into other people's business. God knows what crap happened last time I acted like a good Samaritan and tried to help someone with their life.

Was I right in leaving her alone? Who was she? And those sad eyes, they haunt me even now.

What would you have done? In India, it's not considered a good thing to walk up to someone like this and ask them if they are alright.

Exam Revision

2010-09-15T17:57:00.000+05:30

It's late in the night and I have an exam tomorrow. I know I should be studying right now, instead of typing this. But I need to vent it out somewhere, and this seems a good place to.

Anyways the exam I have tomorrow is one of this internal school exams, which really don't matter much in the report card, but I know Ma Pa would be very upset if I get a bad grade. It's always been like this. If ever I have had a bad grade, it's been all about Ma Pa being upset. They get upset, they say I don't study much and they say I should stop playing on the computer and spend more time with my school books.

The thing that bothers me the most is why don't my Ma and Pa ever realize how I feel when I get a bad grade. It bothers me too. I'm not 5 year old anymore, and I know what it means to have a decent career. I too realize the importance of studying right and getting good grades so I can have a decent job (read awesome CTC) and then with my decent job (read CTC yet again) my parents can brag to their friends that their child is earning a good pay packet and works in one of those big Fortune 500 companies with those huge offices in Gurgaon or Noida or whatever. Like the office address matters.

Well, maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't. But what would you achieve by rubbing it in all the time? I too realize the importance of having a career and a life. Who doesn't want to be well settled in life? We all do. All of us kids. Sometimes after school in the bus while coming home we look at the other cars on the road and talk amongst ourselves what car we would buy when we are adults and have a job. We all dream. We also dream of much more than cars, but if you grown ups knew what all you'd probably faint.

Isn't it high time you adults realize that this is the age of the Internet and of the media. We kids generally know about everything when we were much younger. And yes, that includes sex and birth control too. We did study those chapters of Biology in grade 9. And even if we hadn't studied them, there are a lot of websites on each of our computers that told us a lot already. I guess that was once in a lifetime chance that most students get good grades in 'that' Biology exam. I'm not kidding. It might have been different in your days. But then, it's different now too, right?

We're all sick of you adults telling us that in your days things used to be like this and that. We acknowledge the fact that you never answered back to your parents ever in your life. But we also realize the fact that somewhere deep in your hearts you do have a certain grudge against your parents too. We know. Yes, we know it very well. You, are our parents and they, our grandparents. That's how the ball rolls you know.

So do you want us to hold many grudges against you too when we grow up? Does that sound right?

I doubt it does. But then, you adults would never accept that, would you?

And just because we know about sex and birth control does not mean that we will go and sleep with every second person we find on the street every other night. Knowledge doesn't essentially have to mean misuse, right?

We know about Chemistry too. Does that make you worry we would bomb the next town every other night we want to go out and party?

We know Math too. That doesn't mean we would calculate how to send a missile to some Godforsaken place in our free time?

If our knowledge of Chemistry and Math doesn't scare you, then why is Biology such a big issue?

Can anyone of you parents answer that?

Please?

Do we foresee a future where you adults would trust your children and not allow weird thoughts to enter your big heads each time we are 5 minutes late from tuition?

Yes, we do realize that the city is not a safe place to live in, but you should realize too that we did not ask God to be born in this city to these parents.

We also realize that the city is full of rapists, molesters, drunk drivers, murderers and the like.

Can one of you adults please explain to us how it would be that all those bad men lose in the city would only attack us kids and not you adults?

I mean, we've never really noticed any one of you adults to be constantly having the FBI and the secret service guarding your life every single second you're outdoors.

And we don't argue, we try to explain our way of understanding the same situation that you adults have no patience of analyzing in the first place.

Just because your head is fixed with the notion that all teens argue doesn't mean you accuse us of arguing all the time about everything.

And no, even if we're teens, we get tired too. We're all very tired of you adults telling us all the time how you used to walk/run/jog/cycle to school and still have the energy to wash clothes/dishes/scrub floors after school.

In those days, you folks did not have TOEFL, GMAT, CAT, AIEEE, PMT and blah blah!

So there!

I think I woke Ma up with the sound of the keyboard. Darn, another scolding.

Later.

Tbg adds: Let's not burden kids with Gender issues please. Let's teach them to look forward to a society where all genders are considered equal.

Can you make out is this was a teen boy or girl? Chances are, you cannot. So why not lose the notion that all girls should go to Home science classes and all boys to Carpentry?

Think about it. Children these days are much smarter than we were in our times. Let's change with the times too and give them some breathing space. All kids who stay out late to watch a movie with friends are not going to end up having sex with each other.

I'm not advocating to let your kids be free. I'm not advocating to let your kids do whatever they like. I'm not even asking you to let your kids go out late at night, but what I am asking for is a balanced lifestyle.

Privileges with responsibilities.

Is this your child?

2010-09-12T21:20:00.000+05:30

16 years I've walked this planet. 16 long freaking years. Is it just me or do you guys too feel as if as you grow older, the years become longer? Is it the stress of being a better person as you grow up or the stress of getting your own life from your family or the stress of having a fruitful career? I guess these are questions I will never get the answer of.

I've been blessed to have been born into a happy family. My parents and my grandparents took good care of me and my sibling. We went to reasonably good private schools, went to tuitions after school, had good food to eat and good clothes to wear. Somehow, that only added to the pressure of performing well.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to perform well in studies and in life. But why the pressure? Will grown ups ever realize that the pressure only adds to the stress of having to perform well?

As I ask this question, another comes to mind. Will we remember not to pressure our kids the same way when we're adults and become parents? Why do all parents behave like they have the Classes 10 and 12 board exams more than the kids themselves? I guess these are some more questions we'll never learn the answers to.

Today I get worried about a lot of things. I want to get into a good university. I want to get better grades. I want to be ready for my career. These things have been hammered into our heads ever since we were born. The moment we are born one or the other elder has to say, "Oh look, what a sweet baby, he/she will grow up to be a doctor/engineer for sure." Of course, these days the choice of doctor and engineer has increased manifold to being an architect/model/lawyer/politician/shop owner etc. Which once again leads us back to square one. Pressure. And how it has increased now that there are more career options which are considered good. Tbg tells me how in his days careers that were considered good were basically being a doctor or an engineer. Everyone else was basically a low life clerk. Isn't this supposed to be the other way around? Shouldn't it be that the increase in decent career options would mean less stress on the kids?

Guess that's another question we'll never have the answer to.

Grown ups: Why can't you folks just let us be for crying out loud. Why does everything end up with if you get such and such grade you can have this or that? Are we being taught to bargain for everything in life from the beginning? Don't we deserve anything just because of who/what we are? Kids?

Why do you folks always have to bring up the subject of marriage in everything? Isn't there life apart from marriage? When do we live? First, you pressurize us to get good grades. Then you pressurize us to get admitted into the best university in India. Then you pressurize us to get a annual CTC equal to Ratan Tata in the campus placements. Then you pressurize us to nail the best spouse in the country. The you pressurize us to have the best kids in the whole world and then want us to start the same cycle on them.

What about us? What about our feelings? What about what we want? What about what we don't want? Maybe we don't want to be an architect. Maybe we don't want to be the number one cardiologist in the world either. Who cares anyways? Maybe you do. We don't. Like seriously.

Do you folks ever realize that most of the times you want us kids to succeed is to show that Auntie that your kid got better grades than her's? Why does it matter anyways? How does it matter anyways? It does not matter to me or to that other kid who got better grades. Why do you grown up's want us to perform just so you can show some other adult who's boss?

There are more things that we care about than what you want us to do with our careers and marriage. Like seriously. We could be more concerned about not being ragged on the first day of university. We may be more concerned if our seniors would just let us freshers be when we enter college. We may be more concerned with you folks being alright if were to finish the credit in our pre paid mobiles sometimes before the month is up. We may be more concerned with you folks being alright if we skipped a random boring lecture once in our entire college life and going out to watch a movie.

And if you're so concerned with our staying out late at night and the city not being such a safe place, then why don't you grown up's do something about it? Why don't you get together and do something to make the city a safer place for us kids? For once go and pressurize the government to perform, rather than stressing on us to be back home before it's dark. As if no one has ever been raped/murdered/harassed/kidnapped in broad daylight before.

To hell with your career plans, to hell with your marriage plans. I don't care if all the uncles and aunts in our family are either doctors or engineers or architects or lawyers, I want to be a clerk for the rest of my life because I enjoy it.

Stop preaching Mom Dad. Please. Get a life.

Let. Us. Be.

Tbg adds: This text has been deliberately typed in a genderless manner. Can you make out if this is a girl or boy?

Asia Mag

2010-09-09T11:00:00.000+05:30

My post is on Asia Mag.

Link.

Thanks Asia Mag.

Questions, and then some more questions

2010-09-06T21:35:00.000+05:30

What do you think was worse? The Pearl Harbor attack in America or the Hiroshima attack in Japan?

The world trade center collapse in America or the Mumbai attacks?

And the New Delhi bomb blasts? All those shoppers in busy markets during the festive season?

Chances are, that if your best friend or your dog did not die in them, you've forgotten all about it. It'd only be the people who were directly affected by these incidents who would remember these after such a long time.

Then why do we remember heart breaking incidents that we should otherwise forget like a break up or a nasty fight that led to that break up?

You have a very long life ahead of you. Stop lingering on to silly facts that do not/would not matter a cent in the long run.

Think.

Learn.

Live.

Change

2010-08-31T13:44:00.000+05:30

Just sitting at my desk looking out the window. The sun comes out. The clouds come over the sun and cover the sun's rays. Then the wind comes and blows the clouds away. Nothing is permanent in this world. Then why are we so scared of change? Us humans are very comfortable in our cozy environments.

A change of job, a new apartment, some new furniture in our house. Somethings need to be changed. At times, I'm scared of change too. And I admit I'm not sure how would I adjust to change if I had to. At times it seems to me my heart is here, my mind is elsewhere and the body knows nothing about there whereabouts.

Since today morning I've been noticing the sun play hide and seek with the clouds from my window. And I sit here and think, why is it so hard to be grown up? Why is it hard to be where we are? Why aren't humans happy with what they have?

For one thing, we are scared of change, and for the other, we are never happy in our present circumstance. We always want something better than what we have. A bigger car, an earring a little bigger than the old one, a house with maybe one more room that the present one. A faster laptop, a faster net connection, a newer microwave, or maybe a newer mobile.

But then, why are we so afraid of change? Is it that bad?

Some questions I guess will never be answered, only debated.

Question.

2010-08-25T12:00:00.002+05:30

Question:

Remember any road rage argument you've witnessed any time in your life?

Remember any other fight at random that you've witnessed in school, college, work, market places or anywhere else?

Think of what the people involved in that fight were saying.

They all say,

"You don't know who I am."

"You don't know who you're talking to."

"I happen to be the son of so and so!"

Please try and remember one such case wherein any one of the parties involved says "I am so and so."

Why do the youth always end up exploiting the status of the position of their Father and/or Uncle?

Will the youth ever stand up and say I am so and so. Don't mess with me?

P.S. I witnessed one such altercation yesterday. A couple guys standing at the side of the road screaming we are from Uttar Pradesh and we can do anything to you in Uttar Pradesh and that the other guys should meet them anywhere in Uttar Pradesh and then they will show them what they can do.

The other party were about four guys in an SUV with Uttar Pradesh license plates who seemingly did not care a damn.

Almost everyone of them said they can accomplish this and that because they happen to be the sons of someone.

Read Adi's post here. Read my comment there too.

Yo China No!

2010-08-20T12:40:00.001+05:30

And this is why you should not eat in Yo China!

Click on any picture for a bigger view.

A kilo sugar and salt please

2010-08-18T11:48:00.000+05:30

Location: Grocery Store somewhere in North Delhi.

The store owner is really nice, and we get chatting. A bald guy and a chubby round faced grocer make good gossip buddies!

Quote: I've been working this store for years now. I was fresh out of college when I used to come here to help my father run it. We've been in this work for generations. Today my father is very old, but he still comes in everyday for some time to help me man the store. It's hard to trust the help these days. You need to be very careful or they'll take out a few things here and there.

On customers: It's rather easy to figure out which families are drifting apart and which ones are separated and which ones are together. I can tell. It's been many years of experience sitting here on this cash counter looking at the customers. At first, it's the elders who come to buy the monthly groceries. When the kids grow up they come too. When the sons are married their wives come with them. At times it's the daughter in law and mother in law duo who come in to shop. Sooner or later, you'll see the in laws coming in alone to shop. Then one fine day the son and his wife will come absolutely separate to shop. I can make out they have drifted apart. Sooner or later the elders come to shop separately and the young generation comes in separately. They both buy enough for two separate houses. A good grocer can always tell who's buying what and for whom and for how many members of the family.

It saddens me to see how many people are now drifting apart. Where has the great Indian joint family gone? I fail to understand whose fault it is. Who do we blame? The elders or the youth?

Unquote.

Who's the fairer sex?

2010-08-16T23:02:00.000+05:30

Well, what do you know. I'm the younger sibling. My elder brother is married and lives in another city. He moved there many years ago. That would be soon after his graduation. Campus placements, and before we realized it he was away. Over the years, his work became more stable, and finally after that one promotion he was waiting for, Mom started looking for a bride for him and got him married. My sister in law is a great woman. I envy my brother. In a good brotherly way, that is.

Today, I am married too. Now ain't that nice. After my graduation, campus placements did not work for me and I took some time to get settled. But finally when I was in a stable job, my mom got me married too.

My mother's all we both brothers have. Dad passed away ages ago. I guess I am a lot more attached to my mother than my brother. He managed to move out for his career, I doubt I'd have been able to make that bold a decision.

Cut to the present. Today I am married, with two kids. The elder is my daughter, and younger my son. Small, happy family.

Let's rewind and talk about the girl.

My job makes me travel some. Not much, just some. We're talking like maybe a couple trips a year. That's not too much time away from the family, and no reason for the wife to complain.

One such trip comes to mind strongly. The memory's fresh, like it happened yesterday. The only thing is, it did not happen. I did not go. And that's exactly why it's so fresh in my mind.

My boss wanted to send me abroad for fifteen days of training, all expenses paid by the company. I readily agreed and applied for a passport. The passport came in a month's time, and I was all set to apply for the visa. My wife was very very cranky that morning. But I went anyways. The paperwork from the company was more than enough to get the visa, and in three days I was all set to travel.

The ticket was ready, and I was almost packed, when my wife tore up my passport.

Yeah, she tore it up.

She's like that.

It was very very hard for me to explain to the company why and how the passport got torn, and why I did not fly that night.

I lost my job.

Three months of sitting at home and doing odd jobs, I managed to find work in another company. A few months later, we realized my wife is pregnant with our first baby.

We were really happy. My mother was very very excited.

9 months later, my wife gave birth to the prettiest baby girl that you'd have ever seen, and I fell in love with my daughter. She had the tiniest hands, the tiniest fingers, and the tiniest feet. She was so so so cute.

That night, my mother called up all of our relatives and told them that Goddess Lakshmi has come to our home.

And then we brought the baby home. And that was when my wife refused to breast feed her.

She never breast fed her. Never. Not even once. She blamed me that I and my mother are the reason she gave birth to a girl. She only wanted a boy. She never wanted a girl child.

I was aghast. There wasn't much I could do though. I tried everything I could to make my wife feed our baby, but she did not. I coaxed her the best I could, I threatened her, I persuaded her.

Nothing worked.

So I went out and bought a milk bottle and some nipples. Google told me how to sterilize them etc. etc. and today my daughter is almost 5 years old and goes to school and is very very naughty.

Then I had a baby boy. My wife never refused to breast feed him. She breast fed him, she cared for him, and did everything a mother does for a baby.

Go figure.

My mother initially helped me with everything. But then she got tired of the daily haggling with my wife, and asked me to move out. I took an apartment close to my work place, and moved.

Some mornings, I get up early and buy something on the go for my kids to take to school. The wife refuses to cook anything. It all depends on her mood. She might feel like cooking some days, she might not feel like cooking the others.

Don't judge me please, don't think crap of me. I'm just scared of the society to move out of this. I'm here for good. And I must stay here for my kids. They mean the world to me. I figure the way things are going, I've already ruined my life, but a divorce would ruin my kids lives. And I don't want anything to happen to them at all. They are my world.

Some days I look at happy couples playing with their kids in the parks or at the movies, and I think to myself what did I do wrong.

I see all these stories of domestic abuse on Tbg's blog, and I think who are all these women? Where are they? We often talk about women suffering silently, but what about the men?

Tbg adds: Domestic abuse does not have to be physical only. It can be a very traumatic experience mentally and emotionally as well.

I have seen this case with my own eyes, and it makes me wonder who's the fairer sex after all?

Isn't there any peace and happiness in a married relation anymore?

Is this life for the youth when they get married?

Confession Time

2010-08-09T23:38:00.002+05:30

(Before you start, this is not Tbg's story)

Let's begin with how I start my day, six days a week. My working week begins on Monday, ends on Saturday. More often than not, it's the ring of the doorbell at about 7 AM that wakes me up each morning, that's the maid come in to clean and cook. I have a part time help, she comes in at that time every morning. No, I don't cook.

Surprised? Don't be.

I live alone in this big city. I don't belong here per se. I was born in another smaller city. I completed my education there too. I started my first job there too. I fell in love there too. I got married there too.

The maid comes in to cook and clean my small rented apartment, and I start to get ready for the day. She makes my breakfast and packs some lunch for me to take to work. After she's done, I shower, get dressed, and move to work.

I have a desk job. Plain and simple. Keeps the ball rolling and pays the bills. This is a nice workplace. I like the people here. They are all busy with their own lives, and have no time to gossip and/or chit chat. Serious people. All work, and no play. Works like a charm for me.

At about 7, I leave work and head home. The drive takes me about half hour. When I get back, there's a packed dinner waiting for me at my door step already. That tells me the delivery boy has been here, and he's taken yesterday's empty pack.

At about eight, after I've had a little drink to steady my nerves, I laze about and watch TV. You see there's nothing to do at home. The maid pretty much does everything in the morning. At about 9 PM I have dinner, and then switch on the computer to check my emails and then go off to sleep.

Sundays I stay in most of the day. I have nothing much to do, nowhere much to go.

Often, I wonder if this is what happens to most single people?

I'm in my mid thirties, divorced male.

Do I see a few eyebrows going up? This is hard for me to do too, let's just do it and get it over with. This is my confession.

About 25 years ago, when I just started my first job, I met her and fell in love. We dated each other for a couple years, and one day decided we need to be together for ever. A little conversation with the parents happened, and the parents met up and one fine winter evening, we were married. Honeymoon on the hills, back home and life begins.

Now that I look back, I realize I must have been very spoiled, (read lazy). My wife used to get up really early in the morning, clean house, do the laundry, cook breakfast for everyone and pack our lunches too. I used to be lazy to get up early and assist her with anything. I clearly remember my mother getting very upset if I ever helped in the kitchen or any other housework.

We left for work together, I used to drive her first, then go over to my workplace. She used to come back from work herself and I used to be home much later. I always found the house neat and clean when I got home, and dinner ready too. I never lifted a finger to get a glass of water for myself. After dinner I used to watch TV while my wife cleaned up. My mother never helped at all. And I never bothered to question her too. After all, when my mother was young, she used to do all the work, right? And what does one want sons for? Parents with sons are luckier, right? Isn't that what my mother taught me too?

I clearly remember my mother cribbing about my wife all the time. I never listened to any of it though. Just turned around, yawned, and dismissed it as old age crap. Now that I think of it, it seems to me either my mother was demented, or I was an idiot.

I guess both are true.

My wife kept quiet through all the torture. She never uttered a word. The house was always clean. The beds were always made. The food was always delicious. I miss her cooking the most. She had this magic in her fingers. I can sit right here where I am, close my eyes, and I can visualize her hands working magic in front of the gas stove. And oh, the aroma!

She was a very patient girl. She cooked, cleaned, kept the house tidy, kept everything in general order. I don't see why anyone would complain about her, but it seems my mother always did just that. Complain. Nag, Nag, Nag.

And my wife took everything quietly. Very quietly. The calm before the storm.

And then one fine day, she walked out. And I haven't heard from her since. My mother said I deserve better than her.

That was the last straw. I went up to my wife, pleaded her to come back. Begged. Begged some more. Nothing happened.

A week later, I had a lawyer calling me. And that was when I decided I must let go.

My mother was wrong. I did not deserve somebody better than her.

Rather, she deserves someone better than me.

I quietly went over to the lawyer's office, signed the papers, and let her go. God bless her.

Ten days later, unable to see my parents face, I quit my job, and walked out of the house without looking back.

I moved to another city, struggled, and got this new job. I found an apartment to rent, and today my life is pretty much mundane.

I have not been back home ever since. And don't plan to be. I have not tried to locate my ex wife ever since. She was right in walking out. I can only hope and pray to God she's alright and has met someone real nice who'll take good care of her.

I should have spoken up against the mental and emotional abuse my mother inflicted against my wife, when there was still time.

I have nothing more to say.

Tbg adds: It's harder for men to speak up. I'm hoping this one would make more men come forward and talk. Conversation helps.

Anshita's Tag

2010-08-09T08:27:00.003+05:30

The Rapid Fire round!!

Anshita tagged me here. My very first Tag from the pretty
young lady herself.

Love or Lust

Love

Food or Makeup

Food, I have nothing to do with make up!

Jeans or Skirt

Skirts, of course! Not on me of course!

Pizza or Pasta

Pasta

Black or White

White! I love peace!

Chanel or Estee Lauder

Chanel on my girl.

Husband or Boyfriend

Live in!

Roses or orchids

*Googles Orchids quickly* Ahem, Roses it is!

Beauty or Brains

Brains! Brains! Brains!

Beach or Hills

Hills

Cats or Dogs

Dogs

Tea or coffee

Coffee

Books or i-Pod

Books

Flats or stilettos

Flats

Jalebi or Gelato

Jalebi, A huge black kadhai full of Jalebi!
*hopes Harshita will not read this part*

Not tagging anyone with this! Pick it up any day you're bored
and cannot think of what to write...

Thanks Anshita! This was fun! :-)

Some texts don't deserve a title.

2010-08-02T12:28:00.001+05:30

This post below has a mention about single mothers and the way their kids turn out. I do not wish to offend anyone, and I also strongly believe that single mothers and single fathers do have the power in them to bring their kids up in an orderly disciplined fashion. My apologies if I offend anyone.

I don't know why I am typing this out. It was all over long ago.

Here goes nothing...

A little background for the sake of sanity.

1. Husband and Wife. One son. Husband alcoholic. Husband dies. Mother remarries. Son does not accept step dad. Step dad does his best to win son over. Step dad a very nice person, holds a good position in society too. No matter how hard the step dad tries, the son does not accept him. The son is forcibly made to move in and live with his mother and step dad. Life goes on. (Lets call the boy Bob)

2. Somewhere else in the city, Husband, Wife, one daughter, one son. Both parents in government jobs. Both kids in school. Simple, nice decent god fearing family. (Lets call the daughter Jane)

3. Another family, husband, wife, daughter, son. (Lets call the daughter D)

4. Me.

I and D had been good friends for ages. Since we were little kids.

D and her brother happened to live in the same apartment complex as Bob. D and her brother were much older, and Bob was in class 5 or something like that.

When Bob's father died, D and her brother took Bob under their wing, cared for him, fed him, helped him with school work etc etc.

When Bob's step dad came to take him away, Bob cried, and D cried.

At the same time, whenever D and I used to hang out, she used to bring Bob along too. I got to know Bob very well. And started liking him too. His circumstance made me sad, and he clung to me like I was his elder brother.

Bob moved to his new house.

The new house happened to be closer to my house than it was to D's. Matter of chance, I suppose.

Gradually Bob grew up a bit, and used to call upon me when he had any problems in school or such. He finished his school and moved to college.

All this while, Bob and D and I used to hang out together too.

Bob was generally a nice guy and used to visit my house often. Eventually we became so close that we started to put in his share too when we used to cook.

Enter Jane. Jane used to live a few houses down the street. We used to know each other very well.

Jane and Bob became very very good friends too. We all used to hang out together a lot.

One thing led to another, and Bob told Jane one fine day that since he doesn't have a sister, he'd like Jane to be his sister very much. Jane was touched and then came Rakhi. So now they were brother and sister.

To cut a long story short, Bob slowly became one of us. Family.

That's exactly what he was. Family.

I had no idea how things moved from there and became so crappy, but then life is weird, ain't it?

Bob came to my house early in the morning. I was on leave that day. We came to the house, I unlocked the door with my set of keys.

I opened the door, and kept my set of keys on the counter after I had closed and latched the door behind me. We sat down to just talk, ate food, watched TV and generally passed the time of the day.

Evening time, Bob gets up to leave, and I walk him to the door. I notice the counter is empty, my keys are not there. I worry about the keys and start to look for them. Look all over the house. Look outside on the street. Look everywhere. Can't find them. Bob helps me look too. No luck. No keys.

Strange. Very very strange.

I take another set of keys from the closet, and use them for a while.

Two days later, the mystery of the missing keys remains that, a mystery. Still haven't found them.

I've turned the whole house upside down by now, looking for the keys. No luck. I checked my car too. Nothing.

Another day passes, and it's the next morning.

9:30 AM I leave house, lock it securely behind me. Bright new day.

I'm off to work, and then to Bob's house where he's rented some movie VCD's so we can all watch together.

Afternoon, I get off work early, buy some take out food, and I'm off to Bob's house. We eat, and in the evening I head back home.

I come home, try to open my front door with my keys, and the lock is jammed. I push the door, and the door is latched from the inside. I look at the lock carefully and discover it's been jammed with some metal.

That's when I figure out someone broke open the lock.

I run to the back of the house, and can see my back door open wide from a distance. I carefully run to the back door, and latch it from the outside. I call a friend who loves close by and tell him to rush over with some sticks, rods, anything that could make a weapon of sorts. I run to my car and find myself a heavy metal rod from the trunk.

My buddy rushes over, and he's brought a friend too. Armed with heavy metal rods, we enter the house from the back.

The house was empty.

And I had been robbed. Big time.

It took me more than a month to clean up, they had damaged so much.

Called the police.

The police did not come.

I repeat, they did not come.

By this time, the entire neighborhood is in my house and around it. And my relatives start pouring in.

One of my relatives, takes a car and drives around the neighborhood till a police car is spotted. The police is ridiculed and forcibly brought to the house.

When the police arrived, they said they had indeed received a call, but thought they should go in after having their evening tea.

Aaj Tak was called too. They said they are not interested if no murders have taken place. Nice.

This was the day when I started hating the Police and the Media.

The police came in as clumsy as ever, took my statement, yawned some, and walked out. That was the last I heard of them

We lost all my family jewels and heirlooms and some new things too. CD players, tape decks, Steam Iron, Cordless phone, Expensive Sarees amongst a lot of other stuff too. A lot of cash, and some foreign exchange too.

The police did nothing, and later on I discovered that Bob had stolen my set of house keys that day and passed them on to some one else who used them to casually walk in to my house and jam the door lock behind them.

I lost a lot that day. I lost money, sanity of the mind, faith, friends and above all a feeling that someone robbed my privacy that day. It felt as if the peace of my mind had been raped.

I don't wish to judge here who was at fault. I could have been at fault. I should never have trusted someone from a broken home, but I was simply trying to help another human being.

Some would say Bob was at fault, some would say I was at fault. This discussion has no end.

It's been a while since this happened, and I have now moved on in life. Today, in the house where I live, I have dead bolts on all doors, I have security cameras on the gate, the driveway, the front door, the back door, the living room, the kitchen, and some other places.

Material security does not bring back the sense of feeling safe in your private home now. It's just a way of consoling myself that my house is safe.

Life has turned around many circles since then, I don't trust strangers anymore. I take care of who I invite into my house now. In most cases, I even prefer to have meetings with friends outside the house somewhere. My staff has a vague idea of where I live, and I prefer to keep it that way.

I have a tall iron fence all around my property now. And I have a small firearm in a safe too.

Does that make me feel secure?

I don't think so.

At least not in India.

Later we also discovered that about 35 houses had been robbed in the same residential area in a month's time. The police was late to each occasion.

After three months, the SHO was suspended, and it made the front page news.

I'll never get back the memories that were stolen that day. Money can come and go, but I will never get back what was valued more to me in terms of memories than in terms of money.

And Bob. Sigh. Bob and Jane are now dating. I often see them driving around this area in a white hatchback. Once I was having dinner with her in a fast food place, and they both came in to order something too. I recognized them instantly, but did not pay them any attention.

After we ate, we got up and went to our car to drive away, and I could see Jane out of the corner of my eye coming to the door to look at what car I am driving off in.

I have no respect left for the Delhi police or for the media now.

I doubt I'll ever trust people again.

But am I angry? I'm not sure. I have no idea. Right now as I was typing this, I felt like leaving it halfway and deleting it, but then I'm not someone who leaves things in the middle.

I wish Bob and Jane good luck in their lives. I don't care that some years ago you celebrated Rakhi with me and today you're probably sleeping with each other. If you were to read this ever, please remember that I don't care for what you did to me and to my house.

I trust in The Good Lord, and believe in him to correct all wrongs.

Oh and Bob, there was a security camera right above the little temple that my parents made in the back of the house.

That's how I knew. That's how I always knew everything Bob.

I don't why I never turned in the recordings. Guess I wanted to be human and give life, another chance.

Peace.

In a previous post, while I was answering Harini's Tag, IHM put forth a question to me. This is the answer. All facts, except the change of names.

Bob and Jane are still dating.

D is happily married and lives in another city now.

And today, I guard my set of house keys more than my life.

Garima's Tag

2010-07-31T14:01:00.000+05:30

I tagged Garima and she tagged me back with new questions!

Here goes nothing!

1) What would you eat – a donut or golgappe? Donut!

2) What would you do to get the remote from your irritating sibling who is watching an action flick and in turn forcing you to watch it, when you want to watch Ducktales? Buy another TV!

3) You would want your spouse to be stupid and rich or poor and smart/intelligent? Intelligent!

4) Low neckline or low waist? Naked!

5) You know that a member of opposite sex is attracted towards you. You don’t consider that person to be your ‘someone special’. Would you still go ahead and let him/her fall for you to enjoy all the attention? No way!

6) What would you do to seek attention of your ignorant spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend? Why would I want attention? Ignorant spouses are very hard to come by these days! That'd be a Godsend!

7) You have a fetish for …. Not too sure if I have one!

8.) If given a chance whom would you replace your life with and why? Wouldn't. Am happy the way I am.

9) What would you do if you get to know that you would die today in next 5 hours? Blog about it, Tweet it, Put it on my Facebook status. Pray. And die! Simple!

10) One song that you never get bored of…just ONE?? "Could you be the most beautiful girl in the world" By Prince. (1995, Album: The Gold Experience)

Whoa! Done. Not tagging anyone. Take it up if you like it! Do let me know please!

Any other orders for me Garima?

My Dear Newspaper

2010-07-29T10:52:00.001+05:30

Times of India dated July 29, 2010, Thursday. Page 10

The Hindustan Times dated July 29, 2010, Thursday. Page 07

Both papers say that Mr. Hira Lal Gupta's house in Sector 19, Faridabad, Haryana, got robbed.

One paper says the robbers ran away in a Hyundai i10, while the other says they took a Ford Ikon.

One paper says the robbers took jewelry and valuable worth 25 Lacs, the other says 35 Lacs.

One paper says the robbers took cash worth 1.5 Lac, the other says 1 Lac.

The Hindustan Times also mentions that the Ford Ikon is a luxury car? Really? Now Ford Ikon's are luxury cars too?

One paper says that Mr. Hira Lal Gupta was in Rajasthan at the time of the incident. The other says he was in Gurgaon along with his son Parvinder.

The other paper also mentions Gupta's son's name to be Montu.

Who do we believe?

Click on any picture for a bigger view

What's wrong with journalists these days?

Space

2010-07-28T22:42:00.001+05:30

Giving space to each other doesn't mean there's any love lost between the two. A husband and a wife are in a relation, true. They are married, true. They have a life together, true. But does that mean that they forgo their own separate lives? Does marriage mean they let go of their lifestyle and friendships and relations?

What about people who are in a live in? Don't they give each other space? They are bound in a relation too. They are bound by the relation of love, respect for each other and affection.

We all care for our spouses, don't we?

Are we caring too much?

That's when the trouble starts.

The husband's life is his own life.

The wife also, contrary to popular belief, has the right to her own life even after being married.

That does not imply there is any love lost between the couple.

They still love each other the same, but the respect grows.

We've spoken about respect in a relation earlier. Click here, and Click here.

The husband, before he got married has his own set of friends, his own ways of dealing with stress and spare time, and same goes for the wife. The married/live in couple, might not want to spend each of their wake moments together. That's very normal. A woman needs her own time too, even after being in a relation with a man. If men can have Men's days out and Golf, why can't women have their Girl's day out and trips to the salon or the mother's house or the friend's house?

The wife can, and will, and should spend her own time in her own manner. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say. What part of that sentence do you not understand?

If you cannot understand that a married couple might want to spend a weekend without each other's company, then you're the fool. It's alright to go meet your friends, or go shopping alone on a Sunday. You don't have to stick together like glue all the time. Your relation will not worsen if your spouse spends some time alone or generally without your company. Please open your mind to newer horizons, and learn to give space to your spouse.

If you're a husband, your wife might want to go over to her mother's over the weekend, she might want to go visit her best friend from school, she just might want to be alone in the house and do stuff and get some R and R generally. A wife might want to sit in another room for sometime and just be alone after a hard day's work. (A husband might need to sit alone in another room too.) There's nothing wrong with that. No, she's not being egoist when she does that. She is not ignoring you. She is not disrespecting you.

You are disrespecting your spouse if you don't understand the need for space. A husband might feel the need to just go for a short drive with a guy friend for a while sometimes. That's not abnormal. That's a good way to let your hair down, (no, not literally, this is serious alright?) and get some R and R.

Everyone needs R and R in their own way. That's Rest and Relaxation for the uninitiated.

You have your own way to unwind and de stress. Then why can't you understand your spouse's need for his/her own way of de stressing. Sometimes, just going out to the market and window shopping with a buddy can be de stressing too. It's different for everyone.

Why do you want your spouse to tag along with you every living moment and de stress in your way?

What's wrong with their own way of de stressing and getting some rest after a hard day's work?

My life is my life, her life is her's. And yet, we are together, and very happy. We do not dis respect each other in any way by having our own lives. There isn't any love lost. We don't stop loving each other just because on a Sunday evening she goes with her friends to have a cup of coffee and I go out separately with my own buddies.

Don't bull shit yourself. Everyone has their own needs, desires and aspirations. You do too.

The next time you see a young couple spending their weekend separately enjoying themselves, don't judge them.

Judge yourself.

Note: I emphasized on the word Spouse. I am not classifying this into a Husband Vs a Wife, Or a Wife Vs a Husband. Keep that in mind.

Click here for IHM's post on a related topic.

Harini's Tag

2010-07-26T15:57:00.002+05:30

Harini tagged me here! Thanks Harini. This looks like a fun tag to do!

Ten how’s:

1. How did you get one of your scars?

Don't have any! And if I do, I don't remember how I got them.

2. How did you celebrate your last birthday?

Went to work, went to the temple. That's just about it.

3. How are you feeling at this moment?

Happy it's Monday and I'm at work! Hungry.

4. How did your night go last night?

Pretty good. I was sleeping and she was watching the Idiot movie on TV. And we had Bhel Puri!

5. How did you do in high school?

I did pretty good for myself.

6. How did you get the shirt you’re wearing?

Gee I don't remember! I'm not made up of memory chips and hard drives!

7. How often do you see your best friend(s)?

Not as much as I'd want to!

8. How much money did you spend last month?

What makes you think I'd tell you that?

9. How old do you want to be when you get married?

Er...?

10. How old will you be at your next birthday?

Sweet Sixteen! The same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that... !!!

Nine what’s:

1. Your mothers name?

She changes her name often. Sometimes it's Scotch, sometimes Dip, sometimes Crazy Diamond, sometimes Dm. Once, she called herself Ice Eskimo. You can meet her here.

2. What did you do last weekend?

Took her shopping, which basically means she just stands there looking at me with angry eyes while I chose stuff for her and urge (at gunpoint literally) her to try them on. Ate Bhel Puri. Cleaned house. Did the laundry. Ironed clothes for the coming week. Changed sheets. Put down new mats in front of the washroom. Watered the plants. Got her new shoes. Went to the temple.

3. What is the most important part of your life?

Her. And my two sweetheart kids. You can meet them here.The elder one, Sulagna, and the younger one, Little Apple.

4. What would you rather be doing?

Making and eating Potato Pakoras fried in Desi Ghee and sipping tea with her at home. Or visiting Pune. Or visiting Savitri. Or going to this hotel in Mumbai with a huge bunch of flowers, a bag of chocolates, and some nice home cooked Rajma Rice. You three know who you are!

5. What did you last cry over?

Gee, I don't remember!

6. What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?

Cleaning house and cooking.

7. What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?

Live and let live.

8. What are you worried about?

My health, her health. Etc. Etc. But what worries me most these days is the interviews I've done with people about whom I have written on my blog too. Their predicaments and distress makes me worried, sad, upset, I don't know what other feelings. It pains me to see how much sadness there is in this world. We get only one life, and we waste it fighting with others and clamoring for the top. What good is the top? Does it make you a better person? No, I don't think so. It saddens me to see young people with broken homes and broken marriages. And the kids. The poor kids. Left all alone with just one parent. Each kid deserves to have both a father and a mother's love. Sometimes, this world just makes me sad. The past few posts on this blog have overwhelmed me, made me sad and made me feel tired of all that's going on in India now. Women are being mistreated in every second home on every street. And we don't do anything about it.

9. What did you have for breakfast?

Er... not telling you that here. Don't want any more lectures on eating right. Hehe.

Eight you’s:

1. Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?

Like like or like like? Oh you mean like like, right? Or did you really mean like like? Huh?

2. Have you ever had your heartbroken?

Lately, all of my posts have been heartbreaking and heart wrenching.

3. Have you ever been out of the country?

Yeah, depends on which country is considered the home country! LMAO!

4. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?

You mean as in dumber than this? Writing a Tag post on a Monday? A working Monday? Heh.

5. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?

Yeah, big time! He took my set of house keys, made copies when I wasn't aware, and robbed me. June 23, 2004.

6. Have you ever had sex on the beach?

Yeah, totally. It was good, and very sandy. Yawn. Guess I'm lucky to be bald. Don't have to worry about getting the sand out of my hair! Hehe.

7. Have you ever dated someone younger than you?

Well, considering, I am sweet 16, (ahem ahem) No!

Really, Yeah. I'm usually older than everyone else around! I can see Advitiya grinning now.

8. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?

Yeah, sure.

Seven who’s:

1. Who was the last person you saw?

My secretary. Giving me cold hard stares because it's 3:15 and I haven't had lunch yet.

2. Who was the last person you texted?

My sweet little baby girl. She's back home from school and sleeping away to glory in bed at home! Gah! Kids these days. They don't sleep before 2 AM most nights and then they sleep in the day! Never can understand them huh?

3. Who was the last person you hung out with?

Hung? As in to be hanged till death? Huh?

4. Who was the last person to call you?

A client. Sigh. My exciting life!

5. Who did you last hug?

Her.

6. Who is the last person who texted you?

My sweet little coochie coo baby, telling me she's back from school and sleeping. Gah!

7. Who was the last person you said “I love you” to?

Her.

Six where’s:

1. Where does your best friend(s) live?

In my heart.

2. Where did you last go?

Work. Duh!

3. Where did you last hang out?

Work. More Duh!

4. Where do you go to school?

Classified information! :-)

5. Where is your favorite place to be?

Here. Where I am right now!

6. Where did you sleep last night?

Last night? Hmmm, let's see. Last night I slept at my neighbor's mother's aunt's daughter's nephew's father in law's maid's aunt's grandmother's roof top.

Darn you! In my bed of course!

Five do’s:

1. Do you think anyone likes you?

Ask Anyone!

2. Do you ever wish you were someone else?

Yeah, anyone with hair.

3. Do you know the muffin man?

I know you!

4. Does the future scare you?

Why? Am I going to see my sweetheart in the middle of the night with her hair open wearing a white night gown? Heh.

5. Do your parents know about your blog?

Er... No!

Four why’s:

1. Why are you best friends with your best friend?

Yawn.

2. Why did you get into Blogging?

To be able to do tags like this one! Remember that, Sameera?

3. Why did your parents give you the name you have?

Because I was probably born bald. So they named me the Bald Guy!

4. Why are you doing this survey?

You kidding me? Harini asked me to do this! I would even do a dead man's survey on a dark moonless night in a cemetary if such a gorgeous young lady asks me to!

Three if’s:

1. If you could have one super power what would it be?

X ray vision! Ok now I'm talking like Suruchi, Isha and Mads!

Seriously, I would love to wave a magic wand and make the crazy mother in laws of India see light. Sigh.

2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?

Darn, I'd be too lazy to do that!

3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring 1 thing, what would you bring?

Konkona Sen (She's not a thing though, no offense if you ever end up reading this!)

Two would-you-ever’s:

1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?

Which one of them are you talking about? The one who stole my BMW 7 series? Or the one who stole my Mercedes Maybach? Or the one who ran away to Jupiter with my French Chateau? Hee Haw!

2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?

The question is, what do you want me to shave on my head?

One last question:

1. Are you happy with your life right now?

Yeah, totally, if only Bill Gates gives me the $ 100 trillion he borrowed last week for ice creams! :P

And I tag:

Nil, Sulagna, Suruchi, PhoenixRitu, IHM, Advitiya, Mads, Richa, Isha, Garima, Sameera, Eesha, Shalini.

Don't make my mistakes.

2010-07-23T22:35:00.002+05:30

No shit, no long stories, no backgrounds.

Just the important data.

I'm married. I'm in my mid thirties. I have a baby.

Flashback: I was in my late twenties, and my family was worried about my marriage. The great Indian 'When will my daughter get married' syndrome.

One thing leads to another, adverts in leading newspapers etc. and we have a match! Yay!

The boy was working in a top notch company. Or so they said.

Marriage done.

Some months later, he quit his job. Rather, they fired him for being tardy and lazy and not getting the work done. Don't blame them.

Sucker thinks he wants to do a business instead.

In laws, upon hearing that their son wants to start his own venture, back out and plead non existence of finances.

This after a lot of fights in the house why doesn't the daughter in law give her salary to the in laws! Typical Indian bastards!

So the husband dear turns to his wife for money. The dutiful wife I was, I paid up.

I kept paying for about three years, and the money never came back.

Hey, I'm not asking for my money back, but someone should show some profit right?

Now as time goes by, we have a baby. How we had the baby is yet another long agonizing story, but the gist of it is that the in laws were going crazy what's wrong with their daughter in law that she cannot conceive.

All medical tests in about 7 different clinics and hospitals pointed out that I am alright, it's the husband dear who's at fault.

But of course the in laws don't understand that! How could their darling boy have semen that swims the wrong way and never stops to ask for directions!

Men's sperms are just like the men themselves. Even men never stop to ask for directions, even if they run all out of gas while driving!

Figures!

Now with the baby, the expense at hand naturally increases. So we need more money. Now the husband has no source of income of his own, so the burden falls entirely on your's truly.

Your's truly, already bogged down by work pressure, baby pressure, and nagging in laws pressure, bows down and loses all sense of what's right and what's wrong.

The husband still does not have his business up and running in order to provide for the family, the in laws never offer to help in spite of being very well off.

More pressure, more stress, more urges to perform.

One thing led to the other, and I started to move funds from my office to my personal accounts, and started to side step office business in to my personal accounts too.

Today, I can pay my husband for his crazy business ideas, I can pay for my baby's school fees.

But what is my future?

What if I get caught tomorrow?

I'll have to hire a lawyer, plus other expenses.

I'm not even sure if my husband or my in laws would come forward to support me or even visit me in jail?

All this shit, at the cost of what?

Should I have walked out, when there was still time?

I did not walk out though. I chose to stay on and support my in laws and my husband, in the hope that they would turn over a new leaf one fine day.

Most nights I cannot sleep due to stress.

Don't make the mistake I did.

In arranged marriages and in love marriages too, work your best best best shots to get as much verifications you can about the boy and his family. Don't be shy.

___________________________________________________

Tbg adds: This is in my words, as told to me by the concerned person. There are some very strong messages here, and I think we all should be very careful of people out there advertising for brides on newspapers and on websites.

Don't be shy or hesitate in verifying each and every detail told to you by the prospective family.

Your life is your own. No one can give you shit if you refuse to take it. Learn to say No. Don't be shy.

You only live once. Give it your best shot.

My apologies for being tardy in answering comments on a couple earlier posts. I'll do it as soon as I can. Sorry!

Jai Mata Di

2010-07-22T12:14:00.002+05:30

Scene 1.

A Girl child is born and the family rejoices and says Congratulations, Goddess Lakshmi is born. Nice.

Scene 2.

In most traditional Hindu families, daughters do not touch the feet of their parents, because they are symbols of Goddess Lakshmi or simply, of the Mother Goddess herself. I'm sure that makes Goddess Lakshmi very proud and happy too.

Some families invite some young girls to their house for the Navratra prayers. That's either one the Ashtami (eighth day) or the Navami (ninth day) of the festival. Some elder member of the family washes the feet of the girls as part of a ritual.

Scene 3.

Daughter, now grown up and of the marriageable age is in a deep conversation with her mother. The mother explains to her daughter how she is not supposed to take the name of her husband in public, how she is supposed to respect her in laws and do their bidding etc.

The mother goes on to explain to her daughter that she should touch the feet of her in laws everyday and take their blessings etc. etc.

Here's a question. Why and how does the dear daughter who is used to "not touching the feet of the elders" suddenly find herself touching the feet of her in laws?

Is the daughter a symbol of the Mother Goddess only in her parents house?

Does she get degraded or demoted when she gets married?

What?

I solemnly swear with my right hand on the Bhagvad Gita, I do not intend to invite the anger of Indian mother in laws. But in case I do anger them, please know that I don't care in the least. HA!

This is my story.

2010-07-18T23:16:00.003+05:30

I would like to share the story of a woman who walked out of an emotionally and financially abusive marriage- me J. From a small city, Varanasi, I was married off just as I turned 25, in the first so called ‘status family’ my mother could find. The fact that a relative, who was also distantly related to the boys family, said that the family and the boy are very good was enough info for my Mom and no effort was made to probe further into boy’s qualifications, career, earning capabilities (the basis behind arranged marriages). My Mom made every effort to discourage me to meet him before marriage, I might say something unsuitable and boy and of course his family might take offence and refuse the match. To cut a long story short, the boy turned out to be a spineless, brainless bum without any qualifications, career, and self respect. He was living off his parents till he got married. And after that my entire salary was his to be blown away. It was smartly done under the garb of starting, establishing and running his own ‘business’. I, like a dutiful wife, was supposed to fund his business without the need to be given any idea of how my money was being spent. The Pati Parmeshwar obviously did not feel to need to inform me while taking out money from my account and every question regarding the same was answered with “ trust me, I love you baby”. To add to this, his sophisticated, Satya Paul wearing, English speaking, LSR educated mother expected me to be a good bahu, cook, clean, entertain, attend all family functions, despite working and traveling 12 hours a day in a 6 days a week job. His father, like him, was spineless. Can’t, for the life of me, understand why I took this abuse for 6 years. Confiding in my mother was out of question as she too would have promptly put the blame on me and would have made me leave my job, making sure my Hubby picked up one, however crappy. My father was not of much help, nice, decent, simple, but quite a loser.

Anyway, I had the brains and the guts to walk out this shit of a ‘marriage’ (without an iota of trust, understanding, commitment, intimacy- the basics of any marriage) with my lovely 3 years old daughter. All I had with me was good education, a career and the courage to stand for what I believed in. It has been 2 years since. 2 very tough but the best years of my life. A lot has happened in 2 years- a messy divorce, family that felt I did the wrong thing by leaving my husband, a case for custody of my daughter etc. But I sailed through it. Am in a wonderful job now, my daughter is doing well in her school and is growing into a happy, healthy child with the right values (consultation with Psychologists truly helped in lessening her trauma). I am a changed person, very happy with my new confident self, have learnt to say “No” (very very important…trust me!) and love me as I am. After going through what I did, here are some points I feel strongly about and would like to share with all-

Everybody, especially girls, should exercise their say in deciding when, whom and how to marry. Going only by what the parents and relatives suggest can be disastrous as they (unfortunately) might not have your best interest in mind and have ulterior motives; such is the power of social conditioning.
I, an educated, sensible, decently earning women, took abuse from my husband and in laws for 6 years PRIMARILY because I let them do this to me. Had I taken a stand earlier, I could have easily walked out of this shit of a marriage and managed very well on my own. Nobody can humiliate us, make us feel inferior, walk all over us or use us without our consent. I kick myself everyday for taking this shit for so long and not taking a stand earlier. I implore all girls in similar situation to believe in themselves and take a call as soon as they realize that they are stuck with wrong people. Situations/ people so NOT get alright by wishful thinking. And no company is any day better than bad company. It is pointless to keep going out of our way to make such people (in laws) happy. If they had sense and deserved us, they would have accepted and loved us the way we are.
We (esp. girls) are not indebted to our parents and are under no obligation to make them ‘happy and proud in society’ by marrying as per their wishes. I did not ask my parents to give birth to me and they haven’t done me a favor by bringing me up. I am doing the same for my daughter out of my own will and getting so much satisfaction and happiness in doing so. She is under no obligation to repay me by doing what I want her to do. Let’s not let our parents and relatives emotionally blackmail or pressurize us into doing things (marrying, choosing career, courses etc) just because they expect us to do so to make them happy and proud.
There is no shame/ stigma in going to a neutral 3^rd party qualified to counsel- psychologists, psychiatrist, marriage counselors etc. I benefited every time I consulted one and felt immense relief and clarity. Neutral, reasonable discussions with people who don’t have ulterior motives is so important at times to maintain one’s sanity and not feel like a freak. I was lucky to have easy access to some good psychiatrist as I was working in a reputed hospital in Gurgaon.
Its natural to be apprehensive about change, transition is painful, but it is worth the effort to stand up for what we believe in. I am bringing up my wonderful daughter the way I want to, instilling the right values, have found my soul mate and have a very satisfying job, paying me enough to live on my own. I am living with dignity, self respect and freedom. I would have missed out on all these wonderful experiences if I hadn’t had the courage to walk out of that ‘marriage’. I am so glad I didn’t go by what my ‘well wishers- mother and relatives’ had to advice; mainly, girls are destined to adjust and compromise (meaning- live a subservient life), haven’t we compromised and adjusted with our husbands just so that our children don’t suffer and marriage does not break’. However, the female relatives had no answer to my question- would you have been able to support yourself, let alone your children, if you had walked out of your loveless marriage’? Don’t let such frustrated hypocrites stop you from doing what you believe is fair and reasonable.
It’s NOT good for kids to grow up seeing their parents fighting, shouting and hating each other. I would rather be a single parent and give my daughter a non-toxic environment conducive to happy, healthy development. I will not let anyone make me feel guilty for breaking a home and depriving my daughter of a father. I did what I felt was in my and her best interest.
What I had to go through was terrible, but it has only made me wiser. I learnt a lot of things the hard way, but I have learnt them for good. I have also learnt to be grateful for what I have, cherish it and live in the moment. This has made me a happier, calmer and more satisfied person. I would say it has almost been worth the pain :).

__________________________________________

Tbg adds: Sometimes, it's just alright to say No. Don't hesitate, as J tells you. It's your life, and people will give you shit as long as you can take it. Your marriage, is your responsibility. If you think it is not working, then you should consider walking out. Don't bring trauma to your children please.

(Tbg bows down to you for your courage)

Happy Birthday Sulagna!

2010-07-18T00:39:00.001+05:30

Happy Birthday Sulagna!

May you have many many more! God bless you.

Much love, Tbg.

Hi, I'm Swati...

2010-07-15T02:15:00.004+05:30

(Thanks Blog Adda, for this wonderful badge. But the honor of this badge goes more to Swati than to me)

...and this is my story.

I was born in India, to middle class parents who lived in a two story house in a nice residential area. My grandparents lived with us, and I always felt my grand mother was was too hard on my mother. My mother was very patient with her, and with everyone else too. Sometimes, I felt it's not that great to be excessively patient too. Mothers would always be mothers, and mine wasn't any different.

My grandmother would always complain about something or the other every day, and my mother probably had become so used to it that she took all the cribbing in her stride. Ever since I remember, my mother taught me that women need to adjust and compromise, and they need to bow down all the time and make sure the household is happy.

And she managed to keep the household very happy. Ever since I remember, my parents saved every penny they could for my wedding. And I remember this from when I was a little school going kid. Every year or so, my parents would buy something in gold, and keep it aside in a bank locker for my wedding. My grandmother was always after my mother's life, as if giving birth to a daughter had been entirely her fault.

My father was present through all this, and so was my grandfather. God only knows why they kept quiet through all this, but it's not as if they didn't understand anything. They understood everything and I strongly suspect they blamed my mother too.

I should probably thank my stars that no one in my family drank or smoked. That surely helped save a lot of money that my parents were so desperately saving up for my wedding!

I was taught from the beginning that a wife is never supposed to speak up against her in laws or her husband, and that a wife should never raise her voice.

Time passed, as time passes, and I was in my final year of college when my grandfather passed away. My grandmother become more and more irritating as time passed, and she would fight with my parents every other day for getting me married earlier.

I started working in a call center and to top it all it was in a night shift. All hell broke lose at my house when I came back from the job interview and told my parents I was selected and it was in a night shift.

True, my mother did support me, but she supported me in a closed room. My father was too much against it, and my grandmother made sure my father was adamant not to let me join.

I remember that night vividly. I was very very angry. My father was very very angry. My grandmother was bring a total bitch, and my mother was crying endlessly.

The cab came to pick me up for my first night of training on the job, and I left with my father's threats of not letting me enter his house every again ringing in my ears.

Days, or should I say nights passed on, and six months later my company handed me an appointment letter proclaiming that I was not a permanent employee on their payrolls. I was overjoyed. Having been brought up in a strict conservative household, where women pretty much don't accomplish anything in their lifetime except a hot meal on the table each night, this was a big victory for me.

I reached home at 6 AM in the morning, as was my usual time to reach home after work, and told my parents about my achievement. My mother smiled and hugged me, and my father got up and walked away.

My grandmother took the letter from my hand, and tore it up, and slapped me.

Later, thanks to a sweet gentleman in the HR, I managed to get a copy of my appointment letter.

My mother told me I should not think too much about my grandmother behaving in that crazy manner, but I was visibly upset.

Time passed on, and my parents started looking for a match for me. Adverts were placed in a leading national newspaper, and I remember my mother telling me they got a Sunday free with four Sundays worth of adverts.

Resumes started to pour in, and my parents started sending out my resumes to other families too. Whenever my mother would take a step forward to show me a photograph or a resume of a prospective groom, my grandmother would interrupt and point out that in her time the girl would only get to see her groom's face after the marriage rituals.

Have I mentioned that I was allowed to join a college only if I went to a all girls college? Well, let me tell you now. I went to a nice college in the city, where most of the shooting for the serial "55 Khambein aur Laal Diwaarein" was done. Remember it on Doordarshan, anyone?

One fine day, I returned home from work, and I found out that my family had selected a groom for me. Without me knowing anything about it, my family had also gone ahead and invited them home to show me. "Show me". As if I am an exhibit.

From that day, my life moved as if on fast forward.

I was forced to leave my job, and the shopping began. My parents made sure each and every member of my husband's family got something. Be it clothes, or some other gift, or a fancy envelope made of thick paper with a Rupee coin stuck on it filled with some money.

I was married, and we left for our honeymoon to a hill station.

My parents had very clearly told me that I was in no way to let anyone know in my in laws house that I was every allowed to work in a night shift in a call center.

My life in my in laws home wasn't much different than what I had seen my mother go through. And that made me more angry than sad.

My mother in law seemed to be a photocopy of my grandmother, and my husband seemed to be a photocopy of my father, unfortunately.

As months went by, and turned into years, my determination not to end up like my mother grew. I did not want to live the life of my mother, and of countless of other women in arranged marriages across India who stay quiet all their lives and bear the brunt of it all.

I finally managed to convince my husband to let me work, and joined a school close to our house as a teacher. Months passed and I realized I was pregnant with our first child.

Medical conditions forced me to quit my job, and I gave birth to a beautiful girl on a cold windy winter night.

That night, my mother in law cried non stop for I had given birth to a girl child. My father in law looked as depressed as he could, and my husband just stood around looking confused.

My gorgeous little baby girl turned one, and I stood up and begged my in laws to allow me to celebrate my child's first birthday.

Needless to say, they refused.

My in laws said I should hurry up and give birth to a boy, or everyone would blame me that I was the reason that me and my husband were left alone in our old age with no son to take care of them. They pointed out that they had given birth to a boy, which was the reason that I was able to get married in the first place.

As if their spineless son was the only match left in this world for me.

My dreams of celebrating my daughter's first birthday came to nothing. I was totally dependent on my in laws and my husband, for I had no income of my own.

That was when I decided to take up a job again. But my biggest problem was my daughter. I could not leave her with anyone, for all the time I would be at work.

A friend suggested a day care for kids of working parents, and I applied to the same school and they let me come back to work.

A school teacher's salary was nothing, and I had to pay for the day care and my daughter's other expenses as well.

I begged my husband to let me do an MBA from distance learning, and that's when he exploded. He got very upset, and said that I should sit at home and take care of our kid instead of worrying about expenses and studying in this age.

That night, we fought a lot. And he hit me. And I screamed.

My mother in law walked into our room, and asked my husband what happened. My husband told her I wanted to do an MBA, and my mother in law replied back that I should ask my parents for the fees.

My anger got the better of me, and I answered her back that wasn't she satisfied with all the dowry my parents had given them on the wedding, and my mother in law raised her hand to slap me.

That was when something inside me cracked, and I put up my hand to stop her's.

I'm not sure if I had done right or wrong, but my husband slapped me hard again for having held his mother's hand from hitting me.

Somehow, my father in law intervened and peace prevailed that night.

Some more years passed, and I went on with my job in the school. My daughter was now three and we were thinking of which school to get her admitted to.

My in laws were after my life to give birth to a son, to carry on the family name.

My husband was also eager to have another child, and even though I wasn't too keen on another child, I found that I had missed two months of my periods and a check up told me I was pregnant.

My mother in law wanted my husband to take me to a hospital and get the gender of the baby checked, but thank God that no doctor was willing to do that.

As luck would have it, on a hot summer afternoon, I gave birth to another baby girl, and my mother in law stomped out of the hospital, after she had abused my parents that I was a faulty wife, because I could not give birth to a son.

My father in law went off with her, and took my husband with him.

There I was, in the recovery room, alone with my four year old daughter and my new born baby girl, and my parents were crying in the waiting lounge.

That was when I decided to walk out, and make my own life.

My parents got me discharged from the hospital, and they paid my bills too. I was taken to my home, and that night I cried myself to sleep as I breastfed my daughter in my childhood room.

My grandmother was long dead, or that night I probably would have killed her myself.

Faced with the idea of raising two girls, on a school teacher's salary wasn't going to be easy. I thought long and hard, and finally when my husband came to get me, I quietly went back with him.

My mother in law would not even touch my new born baby girl, and my father in law and my husband acted as if everything was going on just fine.

The rants and the abuses continued, and each night I would cry myself to sleep.

And then that night, when my mother in law very sweetly came and took both my daughters to sleep with her in her room, I suspected something was fishy.

My in laws had decided that I should try to have another baby, and make sure it would be a boy! That was exactly why they took my daughters away, so my husband could have sex with me and try to make me conceive.

Months passed, and each time I got my period my mother in law would throw a fit. Even though my PMS would make me suffer in pain, I would not let it show to anyone for the fear they would figure out I was having a period, which would mean I was not pregnant.

The abuses and the rants continued and I got sick of it. One fine day, after having being beaten up for having had my period, I decided enough was enough and I walked out with my two daughters.

A kind lady at the school helped me find an apartment, and I moved there with my meager belongings.

They say God opens a door for you the same time he closes one, and I realized how true that was in those days.

It seemed my friends at the school were very kind and helpful to me, and everyone did anything they could to accommodate me. The principal, a kind old lady even allowed me to bring my younger daughter to school with me, and one of us would look after her while I was taking a class.

My students soon found out that I was bringing my baby daughter to school with me, and they insisted on meeting her every single day. Everyday would begin with some students crowding around my daughter and they would say bye to her before they left for their school buses in the afternoon.

I began to take on some tuitions after school to make some more money, and the lawyer got the divorce proceedings started. I would not go into the details of that right now, but I will share with you all that it was very messy.

Months later the divorce came through, and when the judge asked me if I had left anything in my in laws house that I would want back, including cash and kind, I shook my head and said no.

The judge was surprised, and the lawyers on both sides were shocked. They had expected that I would ask for my gold and other stuff, but I had refused.

The judge called me to his cabin, and asked me why I was doing this. He explained to me that the women's crime cell officers would accompany me and make sure I got all my belongings, but I refused.

There was no way gold and silver would bring back to me the happiness in my heart that I left behind.

And I had left that glitter in my eyes, and the happiness in my smile, not in my in laws house, but in my parents house. Each time my grandmother would abuse my mother, I would be saddened more. Each time my grandmother said bad words for my maternal grandparents, my heart would break.

I did not want my daughters to grow up in the same atmosphere. And when I explained this to the judge, he had tears in his eyes. God bless his soul, he is not alive now.

The judge made sure I was paid a handsome amount by my in laws, and with that money I paid the down payment on a small house in a new residential area coming up. My parents were very thoughtful at that time, and they mortgaged their house to the bank to help me pay for the new house.

Today, in between school and my tuitions, I manage to pay the EMI for my house, and the best part about being a teacher is that the school lets you admit your children to their rolls at a very negligible fees.

I don't know why I walked out, I have no staunch reasons for what I did.

Maybe I was tired of seeing my mother being abused by my grandmother, or maybe I was sick of my husband hitting me, or maybe I was tired of being married to a spineless man, but as I sit here in my one bedroom apartment, narrating my story, I hope and pray to God that my daughters do not go through this shit.

No wife deserves to be beaten. It wasn't my fault that I gave birth to two girls, and it was not my fault that I could not conceive the third time. I tried my best, God knows I did.

But that night, when my mother in law had tried to hit me for the first time, and I had held her hand and stopped her from hitting me, was when I realized that people will give you shit as long as you take it.

Today, I do not know what my future is, I do not know what my daughters' future is, but I I hope and pray to God to give me strength that I can give them a good education, and make sure their careers are on the right track, and then their life is their own.

For the record, Tbg has promised me he will never reveal my identity to anyone, no matter what the circumstance might be.

_________________________________________

Tbg adds: I'm under oath that I will never reveal your identity to anyone. And I confess I have tears in my eyes as I type this. No girl should go through domestic violence.

Happy Birthday!

2010-07-11T23:35:00.000+05:30

It's Nilanjana's birthday! Go to her blog and please give her your love!

Love you loads little apple! Have a great sweet ~~fifteen~~ sixteen!

My Sins Against Gender Stereotypes.

2010-06-30T23:35:00.000+05:30

IHM tagged me here.

If you are a woman,

Have you ever wanted something that is considered ‘manly’ ? Like a basketball, a cell phone, a dog, a camera or a new laptop? A new car or motor bike? Ever wanted to be a pilot? A doctor or not a nurse? And the manliest want of them all – The remote!
As a kid did you enjoy playing with a bat and a ball?
There was a time when books were considered ‘manly’, women authors had to pretend to be men – would you say books are still rather manly – women should want to embroider and crochet?

If you are a man,

Have you ever wanted something that only women are supposed to want – like bags, shoes, clothes, creams, perfumes, babies, flowers? A peaceful home and a happy family? Have you ever been afraid of the dark or of insects?
As a kid did you ever want to play ‘teacher-teacher’, cooking or did you like playing with a doll? Have you ever enjoyed cooking? Bought something in pink? Loved chocolates?

So here’s the tag – Please list at least ten things you have ever wanted or done which your gender is not supposed to.

The tag is called ‘My Sins against Gender-Stereotypes’. And you must tag twelve blogging friends or else you will be cursed to wear blue clothes pants if you are a woman and pink shirts if you are a man – for next twelve years

I love to cook. I can't cook any fancy stuff, and I'm not your gourmet answer to a five star hotel, but I can cook enough to make sure no one in the house goes hungry or has to order in ever. And I manage it along with everyday work routine without a maid. We don't have a maid in my house. Not even one who would come in to do the dishes and mop the floor every morning.
In my house, the laundry is my forte. I wash, I dry, I iron.
I adore stuffed toys.
I love chocolates. My all time favorites are Sees Candies.
I love to shop for her. I can be unstoppable when I start. When I need to shop for myself, I make excuses and run away!
I'm sensitive. (I guess so! Er...)
I love babies. (Other people's babies)
I love a clean house, a clean kitchen, and clean bedsheets.
I think roaches, spiders and lizard are so Ewwww!
I hate beer and alcohol of all kinds, plus cigarettes too. I don't smoke either.

There, that's done! How was it?

And I Tag,

Nil
Nilanjana Gupta
Harshita
Sulagna
Dipti
Comfortablynam
Pixie
Harini
Manisha Goswami
Richa
Shalini Das Leben
Garima

There you go, Twelve people and no more. I must leave the others not tagged so these guys can tag twelve others too!

Good Luck! Remember, every little bit counts. Do this Tag! Please!

Some clarity

2010-06-29T23:38:00.002+05:30

In my previous post titled "Correct me if I'm wrong," a reader commented something that I want to share with you here.

But before that, I would like to clarify here that I very strongly believe that if the pressures from the in laws keep on increasing unchecked by the husband, sooner or later, there will arise a slight rift between the couple. This slight rift if not checked and controlled and stopped in time, will lead to a total disintegration of the marriage as it is supposed to be originally.

A marriage is supposed to be based on love, trust and respect, not essentially in that order. Every relation is unique, and every relation can have it's own order of importance.

A marriage that does not have love, respect and trust, is not a relation based on any of these factors.

It goes on to become a relation which is there just for the sake of it. Or for the sake of society and it's norms.

What good is that? Does it do the wife any good? Does it do the husband any good? Does it do the in laws any good?

Why would you want to be in a relation which has no respect in it?

A relation should exist for love. A relation that stands only for the sake of society and it's norms, is a burden on the couple.

It's high time that husbands come forward as strong individuals and understand that their wives need support too. A girl who becomes a wife does not be default become an automated robot who knows how to juggle between work, household, in laws and husband perfectly from day one.

I quote Nidhi:

In Indian arranged marriages the GROOM is by default accepted by girl's family....gets immense respect and affection while the girl never gets such privileges !!
She just remains a BAHU who needs to perform. Definitely she'll need support from her husband.

Unquote.

I totally agree with Nidhi here. In Indian marriages, both arranged and love, the grooms are treated like royalty. What about the girl and her parents? Suddenly they aren't humans because they are the girl's family?

You'd expect parents who have both a girl child and a boy child to be more sensible. But no, they are not.

These parents when they marry their son they are on top of the world, in seventh heaven, and when they marry their daughters they stand with their heads bowed down and their hands folded in humble respect twenty four hours a day all through the wedding ceremonies.

So the same set of parents become the Lords and the masters and change to humble slaves depending on the gender of their child getting married.

Why does marriage have to be gender specific too? Will India always remain a society in which everything is gender specific?

Correct me if I'm wrong.

2010-06-27T15:31:00.003+05:30

A husband and wife 'need' each other to live their lives. They need each other to enjoy, to share happinesses and joys, to take support of each other when sorrow strikes.

But is it correct for the husband and wife to be 'needing' each other just for the sake of being married?

Is it correct to be in a marriage which is simply a social obligation?

We all know that in India, most marriages end up with the couple living with the family. In most such cases, there is a certain amount of pressure on the bride to perform.

Perform everywhere. We all know the pressures on the bride.

Whose responsibility is it to ensure that the transition of the girl from being a daughter to a daughter in law is smooth and comfortable?

Is it the husband's responsibility?

Is it the parents in law's responsibility?

Is it the girl's responsibility herself?

Aren't we man enough to understand that the girl would need some support from the husband to make the transition from being only a daughter to being a daughter in law?

And when the support is not given, there crops up a slight rift between the couple.

A rift which is not noticeable at first, but sooner or later it does come across a strong divide between the relation.

After this stage, what happens to the sanctity of the marriage?

Does it still hold enough in it's bindings to be called a relation of love?

Or does it become a marriage simply for the survival of the couple?

I strongly believe that a marriage should be based on respect and love.

What good is a marriage which only survives for the social obligation to stay married?

The husband must come forward to bridge the divide between the couple. It is his parents who more often than not put pressure on the girl perform. Isn't the husband morally responsible?

How do you feel about all this?

Common Wealth? What Wealth?

2010-06-25T10:29:00.000+05:30

Whosoever named the Commonwealth games such, I strongly beg to disagree with you.

Common Wealth. I don't see any wealth here for the common man. Fuel prices have risen umpteen times since the announcement of the games, cooking gas costs more now, and recently after raising the prices of CNG, auto and cab fare has gone up too.

The entire city is dug up. There are more potholes than ever. Traffic is a snarl everywhere around the NCR.

There's no concept of peak hour traffic in NCR anymore. Especially in and around Central Delhi, India Gate, MG Road and the Gurgaon Expressway. A few years ago I remember leaving for work at 8:30 AM to beat the rush hour traffic. Now even at 8:00 AM it's the peak hour. Coming back on the ring road from Dhaula Kuan, I see traffic backed up even at 9:00 or 10:00 PM.

What's the non peak hour then?

Inflation has gone up. There aren't any lentils in the market less than a hundred. ($2.25) Sugar is about 40 I guess. Indians are paying more for groceries than ever before.

Where's the wealth?

What about the common man?

I do agree the Commonwealth games have given us wider roads, more flyovers, better highways, the Metro in Delhi, but the inflation?

Is the central government broke?

And why is the entire city dug up? Will we ever plan to fill up the holes in the road?

It's also very interesting to note that it is the same labor and workers who chose to relocate to the middle east countries and do construction work and over there they do everything on time with proper care.

The same labor and workers and contractors and construction companies when they work in India, they are always late, always slow, always leave the city dug up.

Why?

The honor killings are another issue. If the courts do not hang the killers of a few of them real soon, like tomorrow, they will continue till eternity.

Let's not even get started on that issue!

I hereby recommend the Commonwealth Games to be rechristened Common Man Gone Broke Games, or better, Let's dig up the entire city and watch people fall in the holes Games.

That should do it.

Welcome to the Queen's Baton at Wagah Border.

Men at Work

2010-06-23T12:13:00.000+05:30

What I am going to try and type here is something that has been going on and on in my mind for months now, but I did not know how to express it in the best way. I'm not sure if I am going to be very successful in this attempt, but I am going to try anyways.

What's with the big hoopla and the noise about guys cooking and helping with the housework? Is this not our house?

To all mothers of sons who freak out at the sight of their oh so precious darling fragile male baby doing the dishes or hanging up the washing to dry, get a life you! True, you've been the greatest mother for your children and have given them the best of education, the fees to be able to do their MBA's from the most prestigious universities, but you can't see them cook lentils at the end of the day?

Why?

You bring up your son in the best possible way.

You buy him all the clothes he desires.

You pay for his X Box. (whatever the hell that is!)

You pay his way through school and college and you also pay for the drinks, smokes and girls he dates on the sly.

You ensure that he applies to every great job on Naukri dot com when his graduation days are near.

You pack his lunch when he goes on the first day of his new job.

You plan his wedding very well, down to the last detail.

Now that he's married, why freak out if he helps his wife with household chores?

And if it does bother you dear Mother in Law so much, why don't you let the sweetheart daughter in law rest all the time and prop her feet up on the table, while you continue to do the housework?

The entire housework?

I strongly feel and suggest if you make your darling apple and pineapple of your eye and kidneys baby boy self reliant in everything he does, why not running the household too?

It's not a crime, is it?

Being able to do the dishes, run a washing machine, hang up your own towel, iron your own clothes, is not gender specific.

God forbid, dear great mother of all ages, would you to be dead, what would the poor son do then? Hire a maid?

Household chores, cooking, cleaning are not gender specific. Encourage your children of both genders to assist you in household chores from the beginning. Make your child self reliant.

And anyways, considering the copious amounts of ego some parents have just because they have only male babies, wouldn't you rather your precious male baby be self sufficient and not have to beg his wife for food and clean underwear?

If I have hurt the sentiments of any mother in laws here, well, then I am glad and proud.

Once a guy gets married, and brings his wife home, he does not have to hand over all responsibilities of his home to her. It's his house too. Keep it clean folks!

I'm requesting all women to pass on this text to as many men as they can. Someone, somewhere, has to make a start.

Time

2010-06-22T06:00:00.004+05:30

Give time, some time to set things right.

You will not be disappointed.

Enjoy!

2010-06-21T16:38:00.000+05:30

Right, so don't ask me why I have these up here, but I was browsing You Tube for something and found these, and I had to put them up here. I chose some more too, but I'll put them up in another post.